This is CUH-RAAAAAAZY!

I never get excited for the holidays, EVER. I tend to get so disappointed about them that I just stopped getting excited so that I wouldn't have to be disappointed....well for some reason, probably due to certain medications and such, I am actually really looking forward to Christmas this year!
I even wanted to bust out Christmas music and decor before Thanksgiving which I have always been opposed to.
Thankfully, I have a boyfriend who just won't have it...so my apartment is still bare, and lacks a wreath, the scent of pine, and mistletoe. That will ALL change in a couple days though. I will have Nat King Cole on repeat for as long as I can stand it, AND I am even going to have treats on a weekly basis, if I don't eat them all before a weeks up, for my visitors.
I can't wait to go cut down a tree...I think Ben and I are going to go out to the woods and just cut down a tree for free so we don't have to spend a butt load of moolah. I think Jami should come too, since she's my little favorite peanut.
ALSO, could it be??? We had snow before the holidays even happened!? A whole week off school, no assignments and no stress!!! OMG!

I love life sometimes, and today might be one of those times.

God is good!

Live your Adventure

I would like to think that I am a pretty adventurous person. Perhaps not the type of person that can go go go, and would do anything spontaneously, although at times, in the right moment....I do some crazy stuff. I enjoy rest, relaxation, quiet hours to recharge my batteries if I have been around people for too long.
But I love people. I love their stories, their history, their passions, what gets them thinking the way they think. I love seeing the world. I like to feel like I am a brand new kindergarten child in a city where I have to start from scratch learning about it.
I feel like I haven't been on an adventure in some time, and when that happens I feel like I lose myself a bit. I am meant to do these things, I have to be, or the thoughts and regrets of not going here or there wouldn't bother me so much.
I need something new in my life...or maybe something old that hasn't had the chance to be out and about because of all the demands on life as it is right now...??
I miss God and the adventures He would take me on. When I went to Texas it was just me and Him. When I went to France it was just me and Him. When I went to Mexico it was just me and Him. He likes to be my traveling companion, and in moments of loneliness for a tangible person to be with, I have said I would rather wait on adventure until I can bring along someone I can see....I don't think that was a good idea to say.
I want to be open to adventures whether someone will go with me or not. God is always with me, and He will be the best traveling partner I could ever have.

Now where to dream of going...?????

How does time go so fast!?

It's been over a month since I've actually written a decent sized blog. Perhaps because I am so busy....but still, this is my outlet and it's helpful to let off steam somewhere. Over the past month things have changed dramatically. I have seen a doctor a couple of times to figure out a few issues and got on some medication that has helped me a lot. I am halfway through the fall quarter already, and ready for summer break again. I started a new job that allows me to have a lot of homework time. I am somewhat regularly attending church again, and trying to be trusting of people a bit more. I have reconnected with some old friends who I am so thankful for at this point in my life. And a very special man and I have talked through some things are again together and trying to make our lives work together.

All in all, things are going well, and I can see that they are. Over the summer I struggled a lot with being thankful for life and for friends.....I had a hard time seeing why it was worth even being around anymore, not that I was planning anything, but I was pretty down in the dumps. Not a whole lot was going wrong or anything, but my heart was being challenged by God to trust Him in the midst of not know the future. I don't do well with that type of testing, but I know His grace is sufficient and He isn't offended by my weakness and lack of trust in difficult times. He just wants me to trust Him because if I do He will be faithful to come through....

I always thought I would be somewhere else in life by this time. I thought I'd be done with school, I'd be in some foreign poor country loving on little orphans and helping the sick. I thought I'd be married and maybe have a baby or two of my own. I thought I would have a mortgage, a nice yard, maybe be a gardener....I have always wanted a garden!
But life doesn't end up being exactly the way we plan things and that's the adventure of life. It throws curve balls and often times really difficult ones.....but God is near at all times, and He knows exactly what we need even when we think we need something else.
I have a good God on my side, a loving yet dysfunctional family, and incredible friends from all walks of life that I truly appreciate and love so much.

I just pray for the time to enjoy it, instead of the rush of life taking over!

Feeling Pretty Sad Today

And for no particular reason, but for many reasons all at the same time.
I wish days like these didn't have to be a part of life.

Nuff said

http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/

if you ever need to be cheered up, this is my recommendation. Or just go to the store, but this at least keeps you out of the hussle and bussle of crazy people.

Let classes begin...

9/20 11:30am....Microbiology....and an online Psych. 200 level class this quarter....gotta love -ologies.
I am actually excited to start classes again. I feel like my brain turns to jello if I am not learning anything. I hate feeling useless, and the past 5 weeks, although they have been a much needed break, they were also torture. I am happy to be distracted by something I am good at.
I have a brain, and a very smart one. I love details, challenging topics, debates.....the usual.

Sadly, I've been feeling under the weather for a few days. Headaches, sinus stuff, overall lack of energy...could be also because I've been working out twice a day just because I had time to do it.

What's cool is I got a new job, and a new place to live all within the past couple of weeks. I am so excited that I get to move and not live with my momma anymore. I love her to death, she has been such a good mom, and she loves me dearly....but I can't handle being treated like I am 16 anymore...that was 9 years ago.
I will still see her because she will be my laundromat and pedicure funds....so it should be good.
One thing I love about moms and I know I take for granted because I am not a mom yet is this...she will always be the one to care for you (even if imperfectly and sometimes annoyingly) and she will give the clothes off her back and the food off her plate to keep you healthy, warm, and fed. I heard someone say that when their mom passes away there will be no one left who truly puts you before themselves at all times....
Now not all moms are like that, some turn out to be lame and horrible, but for the most part it's true. I know that my mom would sell a kidney to make sure I was ok. She has fought her whole life to make sure I would turn out a bright young woman, and I hope that I meet that expectation.

So the Fall is here, not much of a summer, lame. I may need a few vacations this year to make up for the lack of sun my body has not seen.

Off to read a chapter about early life development!

Decisions

How do you move on from significant happenings in your life? I've never been where I am today in how I feel, my emotions, my thoughts, how I think through things. At this point in life my emotions are a lot more apparent, more than they have ever been. I don't know if that's a good thing or bad thing. To me, it makes me feel out of control and I don't like it, but since I can't control them as well as I use to I guess I don't have much of a choice except to accept where I am at in life right now and be ok with how I am.
Anyways, I've been meeting with a lady a couple times a month since April to kind of sift through things and figure out issues I saw coming out in my life while I was dating this guy I fell hard for. I saw myself reacting in ways and guarding myself in ways that I didn't realize I would do. I noticed that some of my responses in that relationship weren't right and something was off. I didn't know any of that would have happened, I guess I just had to date to see it come out.
During the times I've met with this lady, it's gotten extremely spiritual, which I am not wanting to get into. I love God, I want to serve Him and obey as best I can what He asks of us in the Bible. I want to do this because I want a reason why I am doing what I am doing...and it's because I love God.
Beyond that, I just get exhausted, skeptical, and frustrated with how diverse the Christian faith can become and why has it lost its simplicity!?
Unfortunately, I come from an extremely over the top spiritual background starting at age 15. I got out of the church I was a part of 3 years ago just about, but some remnants have surfaced during my relationship...I hate myself for it, but it happened, and it is what it is now.
Now I am in this spot where I know that I want to keep going to school, I want to get out on my own, I want to love God and love people, and I want to be loved...
I want simple.
Now the decisions...my "counselor" is a wonderful woman...I loved meeting with her at first, but by the time we met 8 or 9 times I was beginning to get really uncomfortable. It started reminding me of my old church. I told her, and it felt like we talked through it a bit. But then it began again...I feel like at this point I should see someone else for the help I want.
NOT everything in life is a spiritual issue...Yes God is in everything, but sometimes that means he is leading me to a doctor, or to a friend, or to a good movie that can cheer me up.
I have so many decisions to make....
Better get a move on.

Oh gotta love the randomness of my writings....maybe it will make sense to someone :)