Sun-burns, In and Out, a dreadful 10 hour drive home

It's Tuesday....feels like a Wednesday, I'm overheating due to a lack of sun screen application yesterday before laying in a pool for two hours in 101 degree heat. OH THE PAIN. It should be just a tan by tonight but ouch! I love lazy days. I'm still in Redding and will be headin' home tomorrow. Gotta "end of summer" shindig on Lake Tapps I must grace my presence with, but it's been a good time here.
My friend and I have had a very lazy and relaxed couple of days, and even though there is that pain still poking at my heart, I have been able to just breathe and enjoy other things for a few days.
I love hot days when I am near some kind of body of water. I love pools too. We sneaked into an apt. complex pool area and pretended we lived there, and just lived it up. It was so empty we could just chill for a long time.
I fell asleep in the sun and took probably 4 naps yesterday....it was glorious. My sleep has been robbed from me the past month and a half so to be able to nap is kind of a miracle.
Then we went to the infamous In and Out fast food joint. Seriously the NW sucks at getting some good burger places. In and Out has some of the best cheeseburgers and fries....as does Chic-filet have the best lemonade, chicken nuggets, waffle fries and Polynesian sauce..I need to move.

After we went to In and Out we napped again! Then we went to see that new movie "The Other Guys." .........stupid. I laughed all of two times....it made my skin crawl with how annoyed I got watching it. It has so much potential but I just can't handle that stupid of humor. The Hangover, Hot Tub Time Machine, Dumb and Dumber (classic), Tommy Boy.....that's where it's at.

So tomorrow is the start of my 10 hour drive home...I get really scared to drive that long alone. I am nervous I might get hit or a tire may fly off the car and I die. I have a morbid mind.
Not sure what I'm going to do when I get home...
I have two or three fun events then pretty much nothing till school starts....wooopty doo. Camping, Lake Tapps party, Brad Paisley Concert at the Gorge in my new boots and cut off daisy dukes...gonna be a good time I reckon....that's me trying to be country :) haha.

Next blog I will try to make it a bit more entertaining. LOVE.

Redding

So I've been planning to visit a friend in Redding for a few months and like to be a woman of my word. Therefore I made the 10 hour treck down the 5 and got in around 4pm yesterday with a flat tire and sore back....BUT it was good. I danced in the car, sang really loud, chugged a red bull and almost threw up....stopped to see my cute niece and sister in law which is always a treat.
Today we went to church at a pretty well known church. I wouldn't probably make it my home church ever but I enjoy one of the speakers a ton and like to go to a service when I am in town which is rare.
I feel like this guy speaks on a level where my brain is free to really learn some new profound stuff that you wouldn't learn in a "normal" Sunday service if you know what I mean. It's so deep and almost offensive but if you test it up with the Bible, it stands firm. So I feel refreshed a bit.

Other than that life is still just trudging along at its normal pace....I am missing the times I had when all my friends were close by and misunderstandings were far and few between, I am missing someone so much right now who became such a good friend to me over this past year, it's been almost a month since we've talked and it just feels weird....my heart is sad but I guess I am exactly where I need to be to get through what I need to get through with.

I have no idea what the future holds, I've been dreaming with a friend about moving to Saginaw, TX for nursing school.....perhaps that would be fun. I am just riding the waves of life I guess.

I know I am not alone in this when I say, looking back at when I was 14 or 15, I thought I was going to be somewhere so different than where I am at right now in life. I'm 25 and feel so unaccomplished. I know 25 is young still but I feel like I am running out of time or something.
I don't have a strong booming career, I haven't done any of the childhood dreams I thought I would do, I'm not married with apparently no prospect of getting married anytime soon, I don't have babies which I won't lie, it hurts sometimes when I think of how badly I want to be a momma. I don't own a house, have a mortgage, a community of friends that I can go to the local bar and hang out with every week or so and just have a good time.....

Life has thrown so many interesting curve balls, and subtly too, because one day I woke up and realized all of this.

God has to have a plan, and hopefully He supplies the strength to me so that I can hold on and hope in what He is going to do.

I am on a friend's computer right now, as I had to give mine to my friend since I can't be trusted with my own computer...I tend to torture myself and make my heart hurt worse if I have the means to check in on things I just need to let go of for now.....so I probably won't be making any posts for a week or so, if you email me I probably won't get it for a while.....
Love to you~

OH my crazy FAM

Well, recently I encountered a strange man while on a hike and have been thinking more and more about protecting myself. I have refused having a weapon just because the thought of it scares me, and I feel like "what if it goes off in my purse or something...?!"
So I called my older older brother who has an arsenal in his kitchen. He, to a fault, does not trust people. I asked him if he'd be willing to teach me how to shoot since the last time I went it scared the crap out of me. He said he was free and so we planned a day and I prepared myself for about 2 weeks.
I got butterflies and tried to cancel because I was scared but he made me go so we went. My brother served in the Gulf war and was in the army for upwards of 7 years. He is a first degree black belt in two different martial arts....don't ask me what they are, I have NO idea. That stuff doesn't interest me at all. Call me "girl."

So I show up at his house a couple days ago. He opens his massive safe to reveal at LEAST 20 different weapons on top of his knife, sword, and other crazy collection upstairs! Crazy ya think? Just a tad. But at least we'll be safe right?
We head out to the shooting range, and I found out there is an outdoors range not to far from my home. I think I enjoyed that way more than being indoors. The echo isn't so loud and I didn't feel like I was being watched by all the guys waiting to see me screw up.
We posted some targets and my bro gave me a lesson on 3 different kinds of guns. It took me a couple tries to before I started marking on the target but then I worked on my form and breathing and actually hit dead center a few times! Once you get used to the scary-ness of it, it's really fun! His ear muffy things were really good too so it wasn't so loud. My ears are really sensitive to loudness, so if I go to concerts I have to wear ear plugs to actually enjoy the music.

Well after shooting I was so elated but I didn't have anyone to tell, so I am saving my targets for a rainy day. Hopefully I will get to show them off. I was pretty proud of myself for overcoming a fear of mine. This week I am going to a different range to take a safety course, and then they have a free rental day once a week so I can go and just pay for ammo and shoot! What should I wear???
So my bro had a BBQ for my dad's side of the family the next day. I never really talk to my dad. Our relationship is pretty much SOL. He got married a couple weeks after my sister did and I felt bad but none of his kids went to it. I guess you reap what you sow, but I won't lie, I still felt some sadness about it. Anyways he was there, so I tried to make an effort and sit with him and his new wife and talk about stuff. It wasn't too bad, two of my sisters were there, and my older bro. Matt and Tab couldn't make it up for some reason so it was just a few of us.
We looked at a ton of baby pics of all of us. My dad and his plethora of women. We've had some serious tragedies in our family and it was hard to see some of the pics but it was good too. I felt like we left with a greater appreciation for each other. There were several pictures of us kids being placed next to marijuana plants to compare our height to it....Oh how all of our parents were hippie weed smokers.
My dad was forced to stop all that shenanigans when he met my mom. We all have different moms....LONG STORY. But my mom had her fun in the 70's too. My family is pretty ridiculous, but how can you not love them?
It was good, probably not the best to have a weekly BBQ or anything, but you know, it was still a nice time to see everyone. And one of the best parts is McKenzi's son was allowed to come with us. He is looking more and more like her each day. I miss her so much.
Anyways, it was a good time. I'm off to church to see the grandparents and hopefully learn a little something new about how to live life better.
Love to ya.

School is out for 5 weeks....

It's weird to be newly 25 and still in college. Not gonna lie, it's humbling.
And now I am stuck thinking...for 5 weeks. Thinking. Boooo.
Sometimes I hate my mind, how it never stops, it's always on overdrive thinking about life, things I would change, things I miss, memories I want to erase because it's too painful to believe they are gone.

I have genuinely fallen in love with Country music all over again. I enjoy understanding what the singer is actually singing, and the lyrics are often encouraging or at least just real.
I have been listening to The Wolf pretty much non-stop for the past 3 months and some odd days. It was a way to feel close to someone.
There is a song that I don't know the singer, but it's called Love Like Crazy. I tear up every time I hear that. I feel like giving up so much, especially lately. I am sad a lot, and in this moment in time it's hard to see why life is worth it you know?
This song has been encouraging I guess. "Never let your praying knees get lazy" is one of the lines and it's been good hear that when it feels like no prayer gets through to God.
Always over use I love you....that's probably my new favorite quote. We all need to know we are loved, and when we are hurt we retreat from saying things that make us vulnerable with people. I don't want to retreat. I still want to say I love you, even if it's not reciprocated. I still want to be willing to risk.

Just food for thought I guess.

There's a new band out called Perry, ironic. I love them. There is a song out about dying young and stuff, which honestly I don't really understand where the singer is going on this song, but it's a beautiful song. I listen to it on repeat all the time. Her voice sounds like water.
It makes me want to maybe start singing again.

So here is yet another random blog, with no real purpose....just venting on "paperless paper"

OH and there is a new Sonic right by TCC! WHAT!? Yah got a shake today. Worth the wait!

I didn't die

This past weekend was incredible! It was the most difficult thing I've ever physically done, and I can't wait to do it again next year.
Saturday morning we left from our team's meeting spot at 7:30am and headed up to the mountain. We arrived with 50 pound+ packs on our backs. Our ascent began and we climbed about 5500 feet that first day up to Camp Muir, our base camp. It took roughly 4.5 hours to make that first climb with all the added weight on our backs.
After arriving at Muir we dug out a couple places to set up camp and put our tents up. It was around 40 degrees that day with snow and sleet hitting us and soaking us to the bone. After setting up camp we began boiling water to have lunch and dinner.
Our food list consisted of oatmeal, pop tarts, top ramen, and MRE's. DELICIOUS! Except not at all.
Once we finished off our food we were free to go to bed as soon or as late as we wanted. It was so freezing cold that I couldn't sleep the first night at all. NOT A WINK.
When the sun started to rise I got up and wandered around camp taking pictures and exploring. I got some good shots.
What's so fun about this kind of stuff is you meet people from all over! I met Venezuelans, Kiwi's, Englishmen, and tons of other people who flew in just to summit.
As the day progressed the public shelter emptied out so to warm up and catch up on some sleep I went in there and napped through out the day as much as I could. We did some crevass rescue training and then went to bed at 6 to get up at 12:30am so we could start our ascent up to the 14,410ft summit.
I was so covered in nerves and couldn't get warm that night either so I didn't sleep again. I was anticipating the climb and scared to do it. I was fearful that I wouldn't be able to make it, or I would fall and get injured.
When 12:30 rolled around I hopped out of bed, by pack was ready. Got some food in me and then we roped up with our teams and began the climb.
My trademark for the weekend was NO COMPLAINING. If I choose to do something incredibly painful and difficult, then I don't get to whine about how incredibly painful and difficult it is. We climbed our first 1100 feet without any issues....Aside from losing the trail marks....
At our first stop I remember turning into an ice cube instantly and when we began to climb some more my body wouldn't warm up. We kept climbing.
At one point the clear sky and gorgeous stars were shining so brightly I looked down and we were on a 1.5 foot wide path next to a cliff so steep my stomach dropped.
At about 13,000ft. we stopped for a fifteen minute break. At this point all we had left was 1500 feet of switchbacks to the summit. I layered up in fleece, my parka, and down mittens. Whatever I did I couldn't warm up. I ate some electrolyte gels to see if that would help me too. HR our leader said it was time to start climbing some more. I got up and took about 15 steps before my whole body was numb and I felt like I was getting the flu.
ALTITUDE SICKNESS! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
I WAS SO CLOSE TO THE SUMMIT!
Sadly, altitude sickness and one of the main causes of deaths, so I was forced to turn around. With that another team member who felt completely strong to finish had to turn around too and guide me back down the mountain.
I went into shock and began crying so hard my body was shaking. As we began to descend the sun rose over our heads and it was beautiful. Breath-taking the sight we saw. Not to many people get this opportunity, and it was well worth the pain.
After we got down to the bottom with plenty of breaks in the descent due to my almost passing out, I finally mentioned that my feet felt like they were broken since the beginning of the climb.
We took off my boots to find that there was swelling all around the pinkie toes of both of my feet. There were massive blisters, and intense pain, throbbing to the point that I wanted to cut my legs off. I have never felt that kind of physical pain before and never want to again!
I was screaming it hurt so bad, my body was convulsing, and I began to get really sick.
Thankfully, my team member who led me down the mountain had some advil to take off the edge, then he asked around for other meds and we found a DOCTOR on sight. She was just up for the climb but she had meds with her PRAISE GOD.
She came up and put topical lidocane, and topical something else on my feet. Oh the pain when anything made contact with my feet. My toes felt like they were broken.
Then she gave me some prednisone, prescription tylenol, and some other fancy pain killer. After this I was forced to eat, even though I wanted to throw up, then I passed out for about 3 hours.
When I came to, my feet didn't hurt anymore but when I stood up I knew I couldn't walk. I had to be assisted everything at base camp.
After the rest of the team arrived back at base camp we had to pack up and head down the rest of the mountain. The problem was my feet were so swollen they wouldn't fit in my boots...The Rangers so kindly didn't help me at all and told me good luck.
I gritted my teeth shoved my feet into the boots while literally biting down on a towel so I wouldn't scream and slowly and painfully descended Mt. Rainier.

After all of this you wouldn't think I would want to do this again would you...well now the summit is mocking me and telling me I haven't been there yet, so I am signed up to go again next year.
It was a good time, all in all, even with the pain and the lack of sleep, the horrible outhouses, the mean Rangers, and the altitude sickness, the freezing cold body temp and everything else, it was worth it, and I can't wait to summit.

Anticipation and Nerves

Reality has set in that I am climbing one of the highest peaks in North America on Saturday. Part of me wants to say I'm a bad ass but then the other part of me wants to be really honest and say I'm scared out of my mind. I don't know if I have heard more about deaths on the mountain this year than normal because I am climbing, or if this year is just averaging high on the death toll.

Nearly every weekend since climbing season officially began, someone has either died, gotten lost, hit by an avalanche or some other tragedy. I am realizing like I did with the ocean last year, that this is God's playground. We are only here as visitors and this playground is harsh.
We are meant to cooperate as best we can with what the environment decides to give us that day.

Last October I went surfing, and it wasn't anything new, I've been several times before. But this time the swells were overhead and I was really sick with a pretty bad cold. Still I wanted to go so bad I just bucked up and went. I found myself caught in a set of waves that were about 13 feet crashing into massively large, jagged boulders. It was nothing short of a miracle that I came out alive. My friend who was with me was so scared for me, he looked like a ghost when he finally got into shore to make sure I didn't get crucified by the ruthless waves.

Needless to say I haven't gone surfing since, but I think maybe this next month I might give it a whirl again on a small day.

Now I am attempting to summit a 14,500 mountain. This is a time to not be stupid, to take everything into account, and to not try to do something if the conditions aren't giving us the go ahead.

Just last week a very experienced climber, who was actually a guide, fell into a crevasse and died. They just pulled his body out two days ago.

Because I know this is a risk and though I feel like things are going to be fine. Please keep us all in your prayers this weekend. We start ascending early morning on Saturday, we Summit in the middle of the night early Monday morning, and descend right after. The weather report isn't amazing, so please be praying for that to somehow miraculously turn around.
It's our first week since June with weather in the mid 60's and rainy. Seems a bit unusual.

I am also asking for prayer that this be a time to really think and get things straight with myself. I will have a lot of time to be meditating on life and everything that has come with that as of late. I want this to be a time where I feel like I can finally take at least one step forward.

I know this is totally morbid, but if anything happens while we are up there, love you all lots. (even though like 2 people read this, spread the word!) :)

Seems like they all run together.

Today is just another day where my mind is so confused with life. I wish I could fast forward to see what is going to happen for me. I have tried to be optimistic and enjoy the beautiful weather, my good friends, my incredible but super crazy family, but this past month has been one of the worst in my life. I have not gone without this much sleep that I can remember. When McKenzi died I still could sleep and be somewhat unaffected....
All I can say, is I have no idea what to do. I am sad, depressed, angry, confused, hopeless and mad at myself that I still want to hope.
I don't want to carry the weight of life on my shoulders, caring for people who let you down, loving people who leave you, and wishing you could start all over.
It's been so drilled into me to believe in God and trust that He is good, and He will come through. I want to believe that but I don't. Honestly, it's been a long time since I have....I have ultimately felt so let down by Him that in trying to trust Him I have felt more and more disappointed by Him. When will the difficult years be done? Something traumatic and painful has happened every year for the past 6.....how much can one person handle?
My grades have dropped, I've missed more classes than I ever have in all my college career. I didn't know I could hurt this bad, and I want to not feel it anymore. I beg to the air to please make it go away.
I know I am having a pity party right now, and who wants to read about that? I guess since I wouldn't write out how I feel any other way this will have to be the outlet.
I wish things were different and that it could all start over.

I left my heart in San Francisco

We made it home alive. It was a good time.
Sitting in a car for 14 hours both ways gives you more time than you want to ponder about things, so I just drank a tasty beverage and tried to sleep the whole time.
We arrived on Friday the 30th around 3am. Greeted by precious Biskey Baby and the girls, it was fun to see them after they all have moved out of state. I realized at that point how lonely it's been without my friends around all the time.
After we caught up on some more sleep Friday, we went out to some delicious Thai food and then headed to the beach for a bit to wander around and take pictures....I saw a nudist...and it was male. Not OK.
That night we got gussied up and went out for a night on the town....I wasn't looking forward to the 31st and was scared I would need the girls to pry a computer out of my fingers before sending a birthday wish in a moment of weakness, so I loosened up that night and danced for a LONG time. I needed to get my mind off the things I can't seem to get away from when I am left to my own devices.
Side note: I found I am extremely protective of my friends in club environments....I got really bold and confronted some huge dude when he tried to dance with my married friend...NOT ON MY WATCH even if I was tipsy and didn't have a watch on. I could have totally taken him.
After leaving that venue I don't really recall what happened....but we did end up at a gay bar. I saw some "interesting" art and danced some more. No one was cat calling at me or saying nasty crap, so I was able to continue to dance my little heart out there and feel safe.

Saturday morning comes....I don't wake up for a while....BUT when we do, we decide we should go wine tasting. OH dear me! My cute little Asian "korearran" (sound it out it's so much more fun this way) friend who we were celebrating this weekend drove us out through Sonoma and Napa Valley. It was gorgeous. I think I like the idea of being somewhat away from the city and just close enough to drive to it. Napa was so beautiful, we felt like we were in some foreign country. The hills, and trees, and color contrasts of everything on such an incredible and warm day was amazing. The houses were on huge pieces of land and massive trees with tons of shade were calling my name to go take a nap under them.

Then, we got to the winery and began our tasting.

I simply don't like wine.

Once we were done we moved on to the next vineyard and tasted some there. I found a dessert wine that was bearable but I think I will stick to what I know I like....which honestly, is hard liquor.
We took tons of pics, hopefully I will get to post some soon! Then we headed home to get layered up to spend the evening in the windy city of San Francisco. We had yet again another delicious meal in Japan Town then headed down to the Fisherman's Warf and Ghiradelli Square. It was quite romantic and me not "feelin" it wished a cute couple I saw would get hit by a car but then I took it back because I felt bad for thing that way.

It was so good to be with these girls this past weekend. I love each of them so much, and was so thankful for the history we have and where we are today. It has taken so much courage and strength to get where we are from the pasts we all have had to face. I am thankful for the pockets of friends I have all over the states and "across the pond."

Well now I am back home, ready to finish off this quarter of sciences. I am thinking once I am done with this second associates, I will apply to nursing schools around the US. Why not? It's not for another year, but if things don't change, I want out of here.

Good night world, I hope it's treating you well~