Today is just another day where my mind is so confused with life. I wish I could fast forward to see what is going to happen for me. I have tried to be optimistic and enjoy the beautiful weather, my good friends, my incredible but super crazy family, but this past month has been one of the worst in my life. I have not gone without this much sleep that I can remember. When McKenzi died I still could sleep and be somewhat unaffected....
All I can say, is I have no idea what to do. I am sad, depressed, angry, confused, hopeless and mad at myself that I still want to hope.
I don't want to carry the weight of life on my shoulders, caring for people who let you down, loving people who leave you, and wishing you could start all over.
It's been so drilled into me to believe in God and trust that He is good, and He will come through. I want to believe that but I don't. Honestly, it's been a long time since I have....I have ultimately felt so let down by Him that in trying to trust Him I have felt more and more disappointed by Him. When will the difficult years be done? Something traumatic and painful has happened every year for the past 6.....how much can one person handle?
My grades have dropped, I've missed more classes than I ever have in all my college career. I didn't know I could hurt this bad, and I want to not feel it anymore. I beg to the air to please make it go away.
I know I am having a pity party right now, and who wants to read about that? I guess since I wouldn't write out how I feel any other way this will have to be the outlet.
I wish things were different and that it could all start over.
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