I am just about to embark upon a 15 hour drive to San Francisco with two beautiful friends of mine. Wish us luck!
I finished this week of classes below my usual expectations...Right now I just don't care. I am so ready for this summer quarter to be over so I can try to enjoy a 5 week break before Fall quarter drifts in to steal my life yet again.
A few things are on my mind as of late.....still thinking about the painful situation that happened 4 weeks ago.....pretty much all the time....perhaps that's why my school strategies have been slipping....or maybe it's because these thoughts steal my sleep at night and then school becomes a blur....I am so desperate to live on my own.....I want to move out of WA and get away. I want to be a nurse already so I can do what I want to do and have money....Money isn't my goal, but being able to use it for things that I want to do is...
I have not had a Facebook for about 4 days.....UM, I'm bored. That's sad. I need to find something to do with my time that I used to use for FB.
I wish music didn't affect me the way it does. Every song I hear brings some sort of emotion that I would rather not feel at the moment. It's a bother, and I am tired of being the state of life that I am in. SO Dear Radio, please play only happy songs that have nothing to do with love, or break ups....thanks, yours truly, Savannah.
Do you ever torture yourself when you're sad? I noticed with music I have listened to every country song I like or love over and over again this past month.....Even though I liked country since I've been little with a short sabbatical somewhere in the middle of my 25 years of life, it brings back only sad feelings right now. I hope that's not forever. I really like to listen to Brad Paisley a lot....and Josh Turner....and Jason Aldean.....and just about everyone else.
Why do we do that to ourselves? I think I know why I do it. So I don't go numb, so I still feel a connection with whatever or whoever all this stuff reminds me of, and to make sure that it doesn't constantly make me sad so that I have to give up one more thing I like because it depresses me during this time in my life.
Another thing on my mind is this....what if I skipped school the next two weeks, show up for the finals, take them and leave without a care in the world??? I only wish I could do that. I am a obsessive planner, I like to be organized, learned, well thought out, in control. I could never just not care about responsibilities I have.
With that, although not related at all, I have been wondering when God and I can just connect! I have been reading this short book about damaged emotions and stuff, and it makes sense but it's nothing I haven't heard before. I pray and I do things that the book encourages someone "like" me to do. I feel nothing. I look at other people's lives and compare mine to theirs. Why do they seem so happy where they are? Why can't I be like that? Why can't I just be thankful and know who God is so that I am not constantly battling my expectations of myself with the grace he freely gives? Then I get tired, and start thinking about other things.
Random I know. My brain is like spaghetti for sure.
Well my ride is here, pray I don't get a DVT from sitting for 16 hours! :)
Love to you from a not perfect person!
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